It was 9 a.m. and I could hear the phone ringing through the door. I hadn’t even stepped into the office yet. I had a pretty good idea of what was waiting for me on the other side. That early in the morning there are only 3 possibilities.

The first is a frightened caller who is going to beg for helps passing a drug test. They’ll tell me that they’ve been calling all morning, that they’re a real good person, that they never use drugs, and it was just that once. Their test will be in 4 or 5 hours and their ‘just once’ moment will have been within the last 24 hours. If I talk to them for more than 10 minutes, they’ll finally admit that it wasn’t just once. I’ll tell them that there’s not much I can do, but they won’t listen.

The second possibility is a stoner wake up call. Those are usually pretty fun (if not annoying). Some high guy or girl calls and describes what they’re eating for breakfast. Occasionally you’ll have a group of friends laughing in the background. If they’re not rude it can be a good way to start the day. Eventually you’ve got to hang up on them though… and pray they don’t keep calling back.

The third is the worst: an unhappy customer. It doesn’t matter what happened or whose fault it really is. If someone calls at 9 a.m. with a problem, that means they’re furious.

I unlocked the office door, stepped in, and hoped for the best. While reaching for the phone I already knew what kind of call it would be. I picked up and clenched my teeth while saying the standard greeting. Before I finished, “How may I help you” the screaming began; one long, never-ending question mixed with complaints:

“What company is this and why did you charge my credit card! I never ordered anything from you! I’m going to call the credit card company if you don’t refund my money right now. Where did you get my credit information!”

Monday mornings never let me down. This kind of call is pretty normal so I respond with the usual: “Miss, let me just get your information so I can look up” – and the screaming continues. Without fail, the caller interrupts and turns what would be a simple explanation into a long painful interrogation. I try to be subtle.

“Miss, you probably ordered some natural dietary supplements from us…”

Subtle never works.

“I did NOT order dietary supplements! I take vitamins and that’s it! There’s no way…”

Miss – my turn to cut her off – “Think back a few weeks, did you order anything online or over the phone?”

Like all angry customers, she continues complaining, and refuses to give her information so I can actually look up her order. I start typing her caller ID info into the system and hope that she registered with the same name or phone number. Luckily, I see one recent sale with her last name attached.

“Is this Miss (sorry, no names)”

I made a mistake asking her that. I do it all the time, but I always forget.

“How do you know my name?! How do you have my information!”

I explained that we have caller ID and finally she stopped screaming for the first time since I picked up.

“Oh.”

“Now, Miss (no names) you placed an order with use 2 weeks ago on the 14th. We shipped it on the 15th and you signed for it on the 17th.”

“What are you talking about! I didn’t place any orders with anyone. I want my credit card refunded NOW!”

At that point she started involving her husband. Between yelling at me she complains to him. He offers to take the phone and ‘fix it’.

He is just like his wife, but louder. He also curses a bit more. After his first string of curses I decide its time I end the call. Looking at the order I see two THC detox kits, one small and one large. Now I just need to wait for a chance to speak.

“So, are you going to refund my money or do I have to report you to the credit bureau!”

With no subtle option left, I do what I have to do.

“So, did you pass your drug test? You and your wife?”

“What drug test? What…”

Before repeating himself he checks his voice and begins to speak quietly.

“What drug test?”

“Sir, your wife ordered two marijuana detox kits for standard urine tests. Did you guys pass?”

“OH!”

He’s screaming again, but now he sounds much nicer about it.

“That’s what this is. Yea… Yea, we passed. Thanks a lot!”

Now his wife speaks up in the background,

“Yeah! We passed, thanks a lot!”

“You’re welcome, have a good day. And I hung up.”

After that I checked my watch. It was 9:20. Mondays.